What is family?

F A M I L Y

I've been meaning to establish meaning to one word that drives my mind crazy –family. What is family to me?

Growing up was hell when you grow up with someone yang mix mesir aka perangai firaun. 

I didn’t meet one side of the family. But when I was young, me and my brother used to visit relatives from my mother’s side. We’re not really close. Met up with them, just a few times a year. Personally, I don’t think any establishment of bonds were there in the first place. Just a few loose ties here and there. I was young. And naughty, rebellious was the exact word. Not sure if they caught a glimpse of it.

They didn’t come to the house. They never called. We were the out group. No invitations for parties which are usually held occasionally since it was a tight-knit malay family. But, we were the outsiders. I know maybe they have their own reasons you know, maybe they just can’t forgive my mama’s husband for what he did.

As I said, growing up wasn’t easy. The more I grew up, the more we distanced ourselves from them. We migrated to Malaysia and most of them are Singapore-based. The more I grew up, I stopped wanting to visit for Raya.

Then something happened last year… And I searched for the other side of the family, my mama’s husband family. They were welcoming and nice. I didn’t know if it was too late to establish bonds or not, but I still felt I am the outsider. Maybe it’s too late to have a good relationship since I’m all grown up or maybe I’m just not likable. *lol*

I had my problems this past year. And they didn’t support me.

Sometimes, I try and ask how things are going. But sometimes they do not reply. I feel like I had tried my part. Maybe they just don’t count me as family.

Maybe I’m too weird.

I am angry, yes since they didn’t do anything substantial for my mother.

What should I do? Sometimes I just want to run away. What’s the point of family if you’re not there for me, if you don’t ask about me even in my absence? Are they too busy? Or they forgot about it? Or am I just running away from them? I just don’t know what to do. Why can’t they at least try to make me feel like I am needed, I am wanted.. ;’/

Sometimes I yearn for the comfort of a real family unit, you know.

Ahmad Fadzel is truly a gift from heaven. He’s there, he cares, and he accepts the good, the bad and the ugly. I’d be so lonely without him.

Right now, he’s the only person that fits the status of a family member.

Sayunya hati ini.